Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Memories & Tiny Little Gardens

A bunch of years ago I used to spend a good deal of my time in Manhattan; Greenwich Village, specifically.

I lived in NJ but only about 20 minutes from NYC so it was nothing to jump into the city on a whim...and that whim struck sometimes 3-4 times a week.

I loved the Village. I knew its nooks and crannies, I knew the cracks in its sidewalks, I inhaled its vibe and let it infiltrate my blood. I knew its homeless people by name and they knew mine. I was a non-resident resident.  Some of the greatest nights of my life were spent sitting on a stoop, drinking a big old coffee, people-watching. I created memories there - simple ones - that are stamped forever on my heart.

Of course I wanted to live there.

Thursday, May 21, 2020

What Day Is Today?

Not a great week, so far.  No surprises there.

I'm vacillating between mostly coping and thinking rationally and, well, this...

Today I can joke. Not so much a day or so ago. Maybe not tomorrow. Saturday? Maybe.

But things are getting better.  Where I am, wherever you are, and even in really faraway places.  We're reopening, slowly and cautiously.
Knowing that, helps.

One of my coping techniques through this has been to watch webcams all over the world. I started watching them early on, to confirm what I was hearing: that the world was shut down. Empty beaches in Florida, Paris with no people, the Abbey Road camera with no one acting the fool as they imitated the famous Beatles scene (on a regular pre-pandemic day, Abbey Road is filled with scads of people trying not to get hit by vehicles as they walk across the famous zebra stripes while their friend takes their picture.)
I would watch these webcams intently, looking for any sign of life.

Saturday, May 2, 2020

Reality Bites

Yesterday was bad, today is better.

That's how things go now - you're up, you're down, you're in the middle - and sometimes all in that happens in one single day.  In no particular order.

I called JP at work yesterday when I started crying.
He asked why I was crying.
I told him I didn't know exactly.
He was so kind and understanding and reassuring, I felt better almost right away.
I hope you have at least one person you can call (not text!) when/if you start crying for no apparent reason.

I had to go to the grocery store again yesterday and I think that's what triggered me.  I do a bang-up job of keeping my depression at bay - as a high-functioning depressive I've been doing it for years  - but sometimes a thing hits you that you're not already on guard for and then you slump.
Not even the joy I have when I think about my new freezer was helping 😏

For me, the trigger was seeing all the people lined up with their masks on, waiting their turn to get into the store.  Like a scene out of one of those really bad movies they show late at night on Saturdays. Or a Twilight Zone episode.  A zombie movie.  Then I go straight into this really can't be happening in the United States of America.  In 2020.

I drove home from the store thinking that I would do anything to be a little kid again right now when my parents had all the responsibility and kept me safe.  And did the grocery shopping during a pandemic.

I've never been really good at this adult thing to begin with.  I am well aware now how foolish I was to want to be one when I was young.

And so I continue to do as I always do to cope: find as much nonsense as I can to distract myself from too much reality.

Nonsense is my drug of choice.

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