Thursday, April 22, 2021

The Potpourri Of Putridity Has Been Proliferating In Plentitude

I've had some personal challenges recently, or as I recently wrote in a letter to a dear friend - "the potpourri of putridity has been proliferating in plentitude of late".

And, as usual, when putridity enters the scene, creativity beats a hasty retreat and I've just basically been languishing in a non-luxurious state of inertia, enhanced by healthy does of overwhelment and ennui.

Plus, it really is 37°(F) outside despite it being late-ish April.
I know, I know - springtime is unpredictable...which is why I distrust it so.  
Did I mention the wind?  Yes, on top of the unseasonable temperatures we are experiencing here in New Jersey we are also under a gale force warning. 

But back to the putridity...it really all started months and months ago when we moved back to NJ and a whole bunch of Other People's Stuff started happening that affected me directly and I forgot to remember to protect myself from a lot of it as I put Other People's Wants/Needs/Issues ahead of my own and you have to trust me when I tell you that no good will ever come from that. 

Eventually - when you forget yourself in the midst of turmoil - it's likely that a breaking point will come and for me that came when someone I have loved for decades finally convinced me by her actions - or more accurately, her inactions -  that she doesn't value me in the way that I have valued her. That was a big hit on top of all the other big hits that have haven't stopped coming for the past 18 months which, as you all know, includes The Plague that everyone in the whole world has been trying to navigate.

After a rough couple of weeks of feeling very out of control. it was time to go deep and decide on how to proceed. That's where I am now...in the very early stages of implementing things like boundaries (which are hard for me) and limiting what I expose myself to. For example, paying attention to the news is a very bad activity when you're already feeling bad. Remaining still, embracing simple, going low-key...all essential when you're out of whack.

I also made the decision to finally let my friend go. I told someone that I had recently lost a friend; not to death, but to indifference. There's still grief, though, but I'll get through it. The hard part is dealing with the hundreds of memories she and I made together  - memories that I treasure but seemingly don't mean much to her - well, that's going to take some time to process. 

Still, I like how it feels when I remind myself that I matter. That I'm not just here to do for others.

Today, because of the weather, I knew I was going to hunker down and maybe try to do some reading.  I turned the heat up, put on warm socks and pulled down the shades so I didn't have to watch the wind shake the trees - fearful that the newborn leaves weren't strong enough to withstand it. I didn't expect much from today but just around lunchtime I felt a bit of a shift, or a slight nudge. Surprisingly, I went to my desk and started thinking of some creative things I want to do and writing planning notes.  Then I decided to write this post. 

Little gifts of progress and healing.

They come, when you let them.

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